second boy eats first

2010-04-17T01:42:00.003-04:00

i work at a gallery. we got a box in the mail from an artist in ireland who cuts pictures of dead boys outta magazines and newspapers and makes them into collages.

2009-09-20T00:46:00.001-04:00

2009-09-18T20:06:00.001-04:00

2 trailer park girls go round the outside

2009-09-10T17:45:00.002-04:00

he said man im wasted i've been drinking all nite.
i said me too i had some heroin and sashimi
he slapped me, that's so stupid
i said what? ure the one who does crystal meth and shaves off ure eyebrows
he leaves me

fin

2009-09-03T15:20:00.002-04:00

this guy on the subway asked me where i got my jeans
i told him
he asked who made them
i showed him the tag on my ass cos i couldnt remember

i said: "that's funny, i was looking at ure shorts
they look like boy scout shorts that have been folded at the bottom"

he smiled and said: "they're boyscout shorts that have been folded at the bottom"

2009-09-03T02:39:00.003-04:00

things to write about:
glue sticks
snow flakes
boys who dont leave their rooms but thru fotoshop and the internet they have wild lives

all the boys run towards the edge of town and like migrating buffalo they fall off into the void , champ and the boy with rabbit ears run thru the now deserted city, looting and rioting!

2009-09-01T20:45:00.007-04:00

The first boy he ever loved is shirtless in the photograph, standing on a balcony overlooking a beach. He is wearing a wet suit, but the top half is pulled down to his waist, the arms hanging limp at his side as if the deceased remains of a conjoined twin. His right leg is bent at the knee, his foot against the wall behind him. In the picture he looks like an amputee. The boy holding the picture is looking at the blue umbrellas scattered up and down the shore. He remembers the time he went to the same coast with his parents when he was much younger. They stayed in a condo called "the dunes". On the first day he rode the elevator down to the first floor which led out to the beach, and on the fifth floor a group of older kids in wetsuits got on with him. He was wearing dark brown corduroy pants and an oversized black tshirt with a bullet hole dripping blood out of the forehead of a large, yellow smiley face. The eyes were two x’s. This is what he would have looked like if you had been there. The older kids in wet suits were standing behind him. He could hear them whispering. He watched the numbers on the elevator decrease and on cue, as the doors opened onto the first floor, he was ejected out and planted face first into the stuccoed wall opposite him. When his parents asked about his busted lip and the cleat-like indentions on his face he told them he tripped on the boardwalk. For the rest of the vacation he stayed inside, sometimes wandering out onto the balcony. He remembers looking seven flights down to the water. In the clear ocean he could make out a tiny bull shark as it weaved in and out of the people wading in the shallow waves. The boy in the picture is wearing a shark’s tooth around his neck on a string of black leather. He is smiling at his girlfriend who is taking the photograph.

2009-08-31T14:51:00.002-04:00

i had a dream about the end of the world...

a wave of chicken feathers swarmed the globe, i was watching it as if from space, and it completely covered the planet, then they caught on fire and burned all of civilization.

back on earth my family dug a tunnel into the ground and we hid in a bunker until we couldn't feel any more heat coming from the ceiling.

never going back again...

2009-08-28T05:38:00.000-04:00

2009-08-27T21:11:00.000-04:00

collected images

2009-08-27T06:57:00.007-04:00

2009-08-25T02:23:00.003-04:00

steinbeck was kind of a babe!

i just finished the grapes of wrath ( i never read it before ) and i can't breathe. she breast fed that starving man after her baby died!!!!!!!!!!

text message

2009-08-19T20:32:00.003-04:00

Boy #1: i think u r swell yo but i believe u passed along a bug or 2
Boy #2: shit! r u serious? i'm so embarrassed! i had crabs a few weeks ago (long story) and i took care of it. at least i thought i did. i am so sorry. i am an ass. do u hate me?
Boy #1 : why would i? i still think ure adorable. and nice. it wasn't like we were boyfriends. i noticed after u left. i like u.
Boy #2: u r a sweet boy.
Boy #1: that boy (or girl) should die who gave it to u...i found one like the second u left and switched my sheets..thank god i am pale and a hypochondriac...but yeah:) just promise me ure good next time we hang yo.

(pause.)

Boy #1: respond back please
Boy #2: Errr. i promise.
Boy #1: Ok sweet guy. i really liked u a lot.
Boy #2: that's very kind. nitenite.
Boy #1: do u want to hang more? do u like me?
Boy #2: i thnk u r a sweet heart and i would be flattered to be ure friend for now.
Boy #1: That is a no. ahhh.
Boy #2: That is the story of my life. No cool, interesting, sweet dudes wanna be my friend. That is why i am on clist. bc i am lonely.
Boy #1: i have friends. i want something more.
Boy #2: ok.
Boy #1: i wish i knew this before cause i dont just fuck people. and i never have ever got a bug.
Boy #2: i didn't know u wanted to date. please don't be mean about this. and if u didn't just wanna fuck why did u post an ad on clist? nevermind...
Boy #1: it's ok. i bought a RID kit. and i guess i learned a good lesson.
Boy #2: don't be an asshole
Boy #1: i am not. i feel hurt and caught an std

2009-08-19T00:00:00.007-04:00

u don't know how to be my friend because i wouldn't have sex with you again.

i wept in the magazine section of barnes and noble

2009-08-11T15:10:00.003-04:00

i read a beautiful short story in zoetrope yesterday about a japanese sex worker who after looking for a career change decides to go to school and get certified to make prosthetic limbs.

2009-08-09T17:00:00.003-04:00

I Have a huge tote bag with a change of clothes in it, my gym shoes, laptop, love in the time of cholera and a vintage edition of the grapes of wrath, some imitation ray bans from st. mark’s, 2 condoms an aluminim packet of lube, a prescription bottle of paxil and the national enquirer. The cover has pictures of fat celebrities in bathing suits. Im walking all the way from 58th street to 48th because I missed my stop. Some dude named zak who keeps calling me "bro" wants “my shitter, dude”. That kinda turns me on, I guess. In the picture he sent me he’s wearing a backwards red sox baseball cap. I think he has a diamond in his ear. I tell him I’ll stop by after I go to a movie at the film forum. It’s a Nordic film. Very pretty and stark like every thing that comes out of Sweden. Very stylized. This cute boy is two seats away from me. There is an empty seat between us but we both lean in towards eachother as much as we can without being obvious. We both laugh at the stubborn dog on a leash being dragged along the sidewalk on it’s back by an oblivious old man. Zak texts me a few times. When I get to his apartment I tell him I’m outside. He doesn’t answer. I call him. He doesn’t answer. I get a text that says : sup bro I’m not home lol. I say I didn’t know this was a joke he say’s it’s not he got tired of waiting I take the bus downtown. My friends working at a restaurant on 5th ave he’s about to get off. I sit at the bar and wait for him he pours me a glass of rose tells me to chug it. We walk to some shitty meat packing district bar he used to work at and drink well vodka with tonic. All the guys who work there are wearing navy blue monkey suits the girls white tank tops and black pants. Top 40 music is on the intercom a Michael Jackson video montage is projected on the back wall I tell my friend I have to get out of there he gives me the keys to his apartment says he’s gonna stay in tribeca tonite I can have his place. I take the train to that Wednesday nite party with the photo blog it’s a guest dj I know the guy he gives me a drink ticket which is amazing cos I only have two bucks I get a whiskey and soda and go pee. I’m still carrying around my huge bag I’m wearing a tshirt with lil kim’s face on it. I see some dude sitting down. We cut out a picture of his face from some magazine once and taped it behind the bar I worked at and drew a bubble coming out of his mouth with the words: “gay-for-pay”. He’s wearing black eyeliner and has bleached blonde hair I sit next to him and act like I never heard of his band. I ask him what he's talking about and him and his friend say together: women. I don’t know what to say. his friend says: yea, why are there so many guys here? He says it like he’s honestly confused. Like he doesn’t know he’s in a gay bar. I still don’t know what to say so I walk to the dj booth and drag my friend out by his arm to smoke a cigarette. he’s working in publishing now. He’s working with the book pill head that hasn’t come out yet, but that I’ve heard about obviously and want to read. He offers to get me an advanced copy and some numbers of editors who might wanna help me put together a collection of my short stories. Some dude walks up who’s picture I’ve seen you with on facebook or twitter or something so I go back inside and stand next to some guy wearing a sleeveless denim jacket. I introduce myself and tell him he’s handsome he tells me I am too he’s visiting from france it’s his first time in new york I invite him back to the apartment I’m staying at and he comes. I take a shower and when I come back he fucks me. First I’m on my back then I’m crouched over him. My friend has a mirror at the foot of his bed so I’m looking at my reflection. I get off and I’m on all fours he gets behind me and slides it in we are both looking in the mirror I’m grabbing my dick I tell him I’m gonna cum I cum then roll on my back I tell him to shoot on me he does all over my chest and stomach when I wipe my ass off there’s blood. We exchange numbers and emails and he leaves. I’m starving but there’s nothing here to eat. I find a piece of white bread and some spaghetti sauce I pour on top of the bread then I shove the whole thing into my mouth.

2009-07-30T19:28:00.000-04:00

2009-07-30T18:45:00.006-04:00

i had a dream about my dad he was wearing overalls no shoes no shirt he was seventeen eighteen he was whittling not wood but the long stalks on a green onion he told me he was happy he was taking care of his dad's garden between the two rhubarb plants

2009-07-27T00:23:00.005-04:00

watched a documentary about the golden gate bridge and the people who jump off it.
it was projected onto a long piece of white paper that was unrolled from two hooks in the ceiling 16 ft up...the paper would catch the breeze from the open windows like a sail as people fell thru the pacific sky.

im on my back palms facing upward arms by my side thumb and forefinger touching

im strictly no sugars but i did sneak a bite of nutella and i'm choosing to forgive myself for that.

2009-07-25T13:48:00.005-04:00

some pictures:
www.yeathatsthespirit.blogspot.com

(i somehow forgot how to do very simple html)

2009-07-25T13:21:00.006-04:00

my friend is dancing at the "other" gay bar in williamsburg so i tell her i'll go. when i get there i'm not drinking i'm homeless i have no money i have no job my phone is about to die i lost my friends spare keys but im not drinking.

i'm early she's getting her makeup done in the back i'm with her friend he's cute and dark but really small and loud he buys us a shot of tequila and we go out back to smoke.

someone comes up to us says he's taking a survey i said lemme guess, it's a survey about safe sex and drug use. he says how do you know like he has no idea. he hands me the palm pilot with several personal questions...lists all these weird drugs like x and ghb and poppers and crystal...the only thing i've done in the past 90 days is special k. it's also the only time i've ever done it and we laugh cos if i would have known i was gonna be quizzed about it i never would have i mean what are the odds and the guy taking the survey tells me i have really nice lips so i tell him thanks.

i was at a friends house in bushwick. he's a performance artist he is uncut has visitors from ireland with a folded up paper football. i think it's coke i say give me a bump they say it's k i say oh and they put the key under my nose.

i pass out naked my boyfriend calls me from an unknown number the next morning he was clotheslined by some polish fuck biking home they searched his pockets but he was so drunk he accidentally left his iphone and wallet with me but he has a big gash on his head and blood all over the front of his shirt like a red bib he said he tried to go to mcdonalds for help but they wouldn't let him in.

2009-07-25T13:19:00.001-04:00

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/profile.php?id=562148651&ref=profile

facebook me yay!

2009-07-24T18:02:00.002-04:00

made it back from alabama and new orleans and i'm staying with a friend in mikibbin lofts sleeping in a loft bed thinkin lofty thoughts not really i enrolled for two writing workshops and a drawing class i'm so post traumatic stress it's so hot outside gonna get vietnamese and see my boyfriend if he's not too mad at me after finding naked pics i sent of myself to a sexual compulsive.

"You better not never tell nobody but God. It'd kill your mammy?"

2009-06-03T12:43:00.002-04:00

i set this thing to private and invited some folks from my contact list...
if i move u guys will know about it, and the offer is still standing. love always, NYL7

2009-06-02T23:09:00.003-04:00

My mom texts me: can I call you? I call her. She starts crying. I think she’s gonna tell me my brother killed himself. He’s been extremely depressed since my dad’s death. I guess he’s always been but he’s 19 and he just shaved his head and left town spontaneously to live in our uncle’s basement in Michigan. An uncle he doesn’t even really know, but was the first to fly down and be with my mother when she couldn’t get off the floor after the troopers showed up at her door. Anyways, I pictured my brother’s body hanging in my uncle’s townhouse basement as my mother starts crying and my heart starts racing and I already know that’s what happened.

I got a letter in the mail from the people who took dad’s organs.

My brother’s not dead.

And they said his tissue tested positive for hepatitis b and c.

I immediately try coming up with encouraging words and facts that I don’t have. All I can think about is Pamela Anderson. And she’s doing fine, it seems like.
My mother said she researched it. Said jaundice joint pain abdominal swelling dark urine. Ure dad had all these.

Dark urine, really?

Oh yea, his urine was always really strong. And she starts to cry again. I just hate to think that this whole time he had something wrong with him.

My dad smoked crack. He must have gotten hepatitis from smoking crack and it must have been a while ago because he had been sober 5 years before the accident.

But I cant help but picture him in every compromising position. I picture him having unprotected sex with a woman. With a man. Top and bottom. I picture him putting a needle in his arm a straw up his nose smoking out of a dirty can.

I say what about his eyes. My mom had been so happy to know that my dad’s corneas had been taken. She told every body that at least he might be able to help some body see. I could tell when she was saying it that it didn’t really make a difference, but it sounded good so we said it. She says she doesn’t know.
My mom has to hang up because her neighbor is at the door. I wonder what she’s gonna tell her neighbor. Why she’s been crying. Why she looks so bad.

I heard a story over the weekend about this woman who kept a chimp as a pet. apparently the two of them used to take xanax and drink wine together. One day her friend came over to visit and the chimp mauled her friends face. Took off an ear and maybe her nose. The monkey’s owner had to stab it to death to get it to stop. I can’t help but think of every single moment in that woman’s life with her pet monkey leading up to that second. And the woman with the mauled face. How incredibly routine their lives had probably become. I bet the monkey and it’s owner sat around and drank wine and took xanax hundreds of times and just watched the hours go by. And I bet the woman with the face would pop by every so often. Just to say hi. I guess the article went on to say that officials thought the monkey had been instigated by the woman with the face’s new hairdo. I picture her at her local hair salon, sitting in front of the mirror excited about her new hairdo. That was probably the most change she had seen in a long time. She had no idea what was about to happen.

After I get off the phone with my mother I walk to the park and run 2 miles on the track. I try to breath out of my nose the whole time. I’m sweating through my shirt. I wanna start taking paxil again. I never felt better than when I was taking paxil. I switched to lexapro cos it was milder. But that just means it doesn’t work as well. I deserve it. I deserve to take something that lists “currents of electric shocks” as a withdrawal symptom. I deserve to take something that makes me fat and lazy and drowsy. Right now that is all I want. I start my sixth lap my seventh starting the 8th and right now Im breathing through my mouth as hard as I can.

a summer in williamsburg

2009-05-01T02:01:00.008-04:00

There is one bar for the boys to go to in the city. It has been like this for many years now. It has been like this for so long that the youth are simply birthed from the older generation right there on the bar floor. The older men’s assholes numbed by coke to ease the pain then doused with vodka and gin. The newborn boys are swaddled in flannel and taken back to railroad apartments, but only after last call. The girls are unceremoniously swept up by the barbacks and flushed down the toilet at the end of the night.

After years and years of inbreeding some of the boys started growing tails and feathers and hooves. The boys born with antlers are the most fuckable. Their tiny antlers are covered in wet moss for the birthing process, then shed as they grow and reach maturity. It is desirable to have moss on one’s antlers. This is desired. It is a sign of youth. The boys take great pride and care in preserving this. They greet one another with faint kisses on each cheek, avoiding most other contact, aside from fucking on all fours. Even then there is hardly any touching or caressing. Just fucking.

It is summer. Every one is shedding. There are patches of fur and feathers gathered in every corner of the city. It loosens and falls off like skin peels back in the face of atomic bombs. The leather is put away and jeans are ripped mid thigh. Every thing is too small. Too tight. Every one is the Incredible Hulk.

There is one park in this city. It has one baseball diamond surrounded by hills of grass on all sides. The boys sit on the grass and watch the Mexicans play night baseball and drink frozen margaritas from white Styrofoam cups the size of heads. The cups get left behind at the end of the night where they collect and pile high like stacks of bones.

All the boys have military style haircuts. Buzzed on the sides, longer on top. Everyone should have guns but they reach into their pockets and pull out cell phones instead. They can track each other. They know each other’s every move. The ones they hate and the ones they love. There are applications they can download onto their phones that can recognize fear on someone’s breath. There are applications for boys to tell other boys something without actually saying it. There are ways to see if one boy is cooler than the other boy. If one boy should live or if one boy should die.

There’s a barbeque that happens every Sunday in the backyard of the one bar in the city. There is a large pig spit in the back that rotates a whole hog. The chef is a short, pale man with a septum piercing whittled from a turkey rib. He wears flame retardant overalls as he churns the rotisserie over and over until the meat begins to fall from the bone. There’s a long line that snakes around the backyard with boys holding onto paper plates trying to wait patiently to be fed, making small talk with each other but never really saying much. There’s not much that they don’t already know about one another. Every one is wasted and sun burned. Pigeons like vultures are circling above. Hercules and Love Affair can be heard from inside the bar.

Some boys are born with wolf tails. They grow up solely to drink and eat and fuck the other boys. They strap harnesses onto their backs. They buy them expensive dinners at Japanese restaurants and make them do crystal with them while they look for the best clips of porn on xtube. The wolf boys don’t like to get fucked because, ‘it feels like they hafta shit’…so they do all the fucking. With harnassess and speed and porn. Some boys get so used to getting fucked like this they don’t know how to do it any other way.

The wolves are gathered in a pack inside the bar waiting for the others to get their food and come back in for more drinks. Champ sees this as he walks into the bar. He knows he has walked right into it. He’s clean shaven and has a soft brown mop on top of his head. He just got to this city and you can see it in his child like face and the way he moves. Some new song from an old band cues up over the jukebox as he comes in the door, slow motion, and as he walks up to the bar the wolves leaning on each other turn there heads. He swears he can see the flash of teeth glow from their bearded faces so he keeps his head hung down low and he waits for the bartender.

“hey handsome”.
“Hi.”
His brow lifts and he sheepishly asks for a wheat beer from the tap. The bartender draws it and keeps a suspicious eye on the stranger.
“This one’s on me”. There’s something happening here. As if the bartenders face was lit from below by candle light. Still, Champ takes the beer and puts two crumpled up dollar bills on the bar. The Bartender sweeps it up like a magician doing a disappearing act. Like he was gonna reach across the bar and pull it from Champ’s ears in a slight of hand. Instead he just throws it into the tip jar.

The wolves are grumbling and running tongues across lips until the boys start shuffling in from the barbeque with gristle between their teeth, looking for another drink to wash down their meals. It sounds like chickens clucking around in a cage. A Stray feather floats down into Champ’s beer and he looks defeated as he plucks it out with his fingers.

“Fucking animals”, somebody standing next to him says.

He looks up and sees a boy with rabbit ears and teeth smiling back at him.

"I suppose", Champ says into his beer and every thing fades to black.

"Just a little off the top and leave the sides."
Our hero is sitting in a barber's chair inside the one barber shop in the city. It's tucked away behind a taxidermy storefront. He has a red and white checkered apron from his neck down. It looks as if it were a picnic and his head might be the lunch.

The barber is a young woman. Maybe 22 0r 23. Her accent is audibly Polish.

"you know your head? It's very nice. The shape is round", and she grabs the electric clippers, then switches them on and makes broad stabs into Champ's scalp. He shuts his eyes tight.
"We have flat heads in the back. I don't know if you noticed. This is because here in America they lay the baby on its' belly. In Poland we are put on our back when our head is still soft."

He opens one eye. His back is to the mirror so he cannot tell what is happening, but it definitely feels like more than a trim. He is facing two boys that are waiting for haircuts. They are sitting on tree stumps with a family of taxidermied squirrels climbing up the sides. Both of them have immaculately shaved heads that don't appear to be in need of cutting at all. they both have perfect moustaches.

"you should love your head", the Polish barber chants, and she turns off the clippers and stares at Champ, looking for recognition. Not getting anything she swings his chair around in one quick motion and he is abruptly confronted with his image in the mirror. He looks just like the boys that are waiting on the tree stumps. He has a meticulously trimmed moustache. He doesn't even remember her touching his face. He brings his hand to his upper lip in horror. He didn't even have facial hair before.

The inside of Champ's apartment is painted a birds egg blue. It is one tiny sqaure room. there is a claw toed tub next to his bed which is next to a sink which is next to a toilet and next to the toilet he sits at a desk in front of the soft glow of his laptop. He's scrolling through an online networking website. Profile pics roll across the screen like movie credits. Having looked at the profile of almost every single boy within a 5 mile radius of his zip code, he is slumped forward with his head in his hand, his face barely two inches from the screen. He is about to fall asleep in this position when something catches his eye. He clicks on a tiny thumbnail and a picture of the boy with the rabbit ears appears.

"Johnny Swift", he reads from the screen
"99 years old."
"We are surrounded by worn-out images, and we deserve new ones."

He scrolls further down the page and comes across a video. He clicks on it. It's a simple video Johnny made. it's a video of him sitting in front of his computer's camera, shirtless. he is running his fingers thru his hair. he looks brain dead but cute. This is on a loop and each time he runs his fingers thru his hair it gets slower and slower until it slows to a stop...

Champ shut his computer down and in two steps he climbs into the large tub and sinks below the water.

When Champ moved HERE it was on a dare. a personal bet. He had heard if you could live HERE, you could live anywhere. He looked at the pictures and watched all the movies. every thing looked so big and new. He got a job doing windows for a popular mens department store. he packed his bags and jumped on a plane. there was one connection in raleigh durham. he wasn't even sure where that was. what state it was in. he hadn't left kansas city in 24 years. kansas city is in Missouri. he knew that. If he ever adopted a baby girl he would name her Missouri. He also knew that.

When he boarded his connecting flight in Raleigh Durham he quickly realized something out of the ordinary. He had to duck down to make it through the door. He bumped his head on the ceiling. he was on a six passenger airplane. The five other passengers didn't give the impression that any thing was unusual, so after realizing there was no overhead space for his suitcase he squeezed into the one empty seat, sat the suitcase on his lap and feigned a look of indifference. This would be the most common expression he'd muster up over the following months.

Champ's head pops up through a trap door in a tiny model barn.
Looks good!
The barn is a part of a window display. There are miniature toy cows and horses scattered around the barn and clumps of hay. Some straw manages to find its way into Champ's hair and because he can't fit his arms thru the trap door he tries to blow it free with his mouth.

Fabulous! now come on down and let's clean this shit up so we can get out of here. I need a drink!

his supervisor is checking his wristwatch for confirmation. He has a cleft tongue. It gets caught between his teeth whenever he says a word that ends with an "s".

Champs head disappears from inside the barn and he jumps off the step ladder.

to be cont'd

2009-04-05T03:49:00.004-04:00

this is just where i'm AT rite now. walkin down the damn street, feelin' good about myself cos i'm fuckin' foxy!

getchyo leather on

2009-04-03T01:40:00.000-04:00

feel good song for the week

2009-04-02T15:01:00.000-04:00

"Creating my own East Side story, I dropped by the Hose, the already legendary Avenue B gay bar where you can plainly see the 'hos. It was the Wednesday night Le Raunch party, where, after a few dozen cocktails, some boys will gladly take out le noodle. Customers drunkenly strip and dance on the bar, so they don't even need go-go boys, but they usually have some anyway. Alas, all I could see were strobe lights giving me a seizure."
-michael musto

I>I

2009-03-31T23:23:00.005-04:00

i put this damn thing on private cos i didnt want certain creeps to read it but then i decidedi dont really care so here i am i've just been dealin with the whole dead dad thing and my mom who's kind of a bitch and always has been and i shouldnt expect her to be any different now but im flyin back home tuesday to see her and sit in that house thats like a tomb and hopefully come back one piece went to an AA meeting today dont know why it was kind of lame when we went around the room and said our name fill in the blank and i am an alcoholic i said my first and last name because that's who i am and i forgot i wasnt supposed to had lunch afterwards with a possible sponsor and drank iced coffee in the park saw that cute babe whose roommate i finally hooked up with and was talking to for a minute but realized he's kinda not so hot just like every other "cool" guy i see around town they always turn out to be less sexy than i had fantasized and i really used to drool over this guy i really did but i think its just cos he has cute friends a cool 'stache and whatever

i was sitting at the 1st ave L stop smoking a cigarette naturally underground and this boy sat next to me on the bench and asked for a drag we were both wasted i asked him to come home with me and he did and we made out on the train he fucked me and i was surprised thought i was supposed to fuck him cos that's just how it is lately because of my beard and all and my refusal to ever be anybodys pussy or bitch ever again at least for now but i have a new kid and he likes me and i like him and that's good for now

i lost my pants or somebody stole them at a party that used to be kind of fun til they got smoke and lights and hired naked dancers it was better when i did it for free but anyways this nite i had to take a cab home in my underwear and in the morning i bought another pair i unofficially started the process for my next video FIX and i hope it's even better than my last cos i hate shitty art and the fags that make it i'm trying to open my heart to the community but i havent found it yet after going back and forth with evb about having my picture taken for them i was introduced to a fotographer and he asked me to jerk off cos he said he wanted to do something that hasnt been done before and i went to his place to meet him and i said no it was some skinny kid and i looked at his portfolio of boys standing in front of a white wall and i said that kind of portraiture reminded me of misshapes and he said whats that and he told me he wanted to do something different and i said well slava has done something similar and he said who's that and i said i have to go in heart i am muslim...

facebook chat...NYL7, THIS is your life!

2009-03-19T17:29:00.006-04:00

the following correspondance is an actual facebook chat. it is betwixt myself and a female gogo dancer. her roommate also was gogo dancing on this particular evening when i decided to crawl up on top of the bar.

NYL7:
girl!!!!!!!!!!

5:12pm L word::
hey sexy

5:12pm NYL7:
OMG
HOW crazy was last nite
were people laughing at me
or were they into it
i think i put one of the gogo boys penises in my mouth!

5:13pm L word:
that was a specticle of dickery!

5:14pm NYL7:
hahahaha

5:14pm L word:
yes u did
it was amazing

5:14pm NYL7:
good. i dont ever wanna over stay my welcome
i love that party
!

5:14pm L word:
entertainment at its skankiest
no they love u

5:15pm NYL7:
i went there like 3 weeks ago and nobody was there
and i got naked then too
now its a huge fucking party
i like to think they named it raunchy after me

5:15pm L word:
i kno....its not just in the back anymore...dick sucking has moved on up to the bar
i loved it...ppl were either in awe..or they were a little scared

5:16pm NYL7:
thats perfect!

5:16pm L word:
but they will come back for more

5:17pm NYL7:
me too! we should hang out before then though

5:17pm L word:
hahaha pregame before the nudity...yes
we all need some clothed drinking time every once in a while

5:18pm NYL7:
i like to keep that to a minimum
but yes.
maybe a beer at north east?

5:21pm L word:
yup...i gotta see if Tom is workin, but even if he isnt we might stop by
u fell off the bar...ahhahaha i didnt get to see that

5:21pm NYL7:
omg yes
i dont know how i didnt die
it was like in slow motion
my shin is puffy

5:22pm L word:
u felll behind the bar or in front

5:22pm NYL7:
front
thank god

5:22pm L word:
o god...did u fall on anyone

5:23pm NYL7:
nope. i kinda fell on empty stools
it was so ridiculous
i wish i had pictures
i wonder if there are any

5:24pm L word:
omg..u almost fell a few times behind the bar but the bartenders caught u
i hope there r pics!

5:24pm NYL7:
but nobody is mad at me
or annoyed?

5:24pm L word:
hahahah no they LOVED it

5:25pm NYL7:
awesome. well now u know where to find my ass, girl

5:25pm L word:
im sorry but bein drunk and naked is real life...it needs to be seen more often

5:25pm NYL7:
i also remember doing a backbend and u taking my hand
like an angel

5:26pm L word:
its not a parrty there anymore unless u r waving your pride and joy in someones face
yes...u were teaching me some sick gogo moves

5:27 NYL7:
u should get naked with me next week

2009-03-18T14:44:00.005-04:00

2009-03-12T12:54:00.007-04:00

i finally get out and bike over to metropolitan to meet N. im kind of bummed out and need a drink. the cute bar back i always flirt with is doing the door and when i walk in he holds up his hand like he wants to see my ID. obviously he knows me but for a second i dont know what to do and he shoves me but i feel like a total weirdo right now so i just wave and walk away.

N talks to me about queer theory. like, for real. she attended a conference in philly. some boys try to talk to me. im drinking whiskey and soda with bitters. her girlfriend shows up. her name is billy. she looks like a boy. she doesn't identify as a he but she's wearing a blazer and tortoise shell glasses and a neck tie. i hear them say they are gonna leave after their drinks so i make plans to meet M in the city at that stupid party with the foto blog.

i'm walking past the bar back and im not even gonna say goodbye. as i open the door i hear him say it so i turn around and wave at him again like a weirdo, except this time i just hold up my hand with an open palm, like i'm shooting lasers or fire balls at him. the boy who was trying to make out with one of the kids i'm having sex with is standing next to him. i hate this town.

on the subway platform i run into charlie. he's drunk. i tell him to come meet M with me cos i know he used to really like him. he says ok, and when we get above ground i have to piss so i take a leak on 6th and A. just on the curb cos i have to go so bad. he leans over and puts his face right into my stream and drinks it. he stands back up. then does it again. he says it tastes like water but i'm worried it might have tasted bad.

at the bar im looking for somebody i might know, but there's nobody so we go to the hose. i say hi to the dj. i have to open a platform door and poke my head up into the booth. he gets on his knees and i pull his head towards mine and we kiss. last time i went to this party he told me i was beautiful and he pulled my pants down around my knees and started sucking me off. i never got hard. i had just read an article in the NY times that referred to him as the godfather of downtown. i said: yea right. u probably meet beautiful boys every night.

tonite he's playing all the music i requested that he didn't have last time and i thank him. pretend we're dead is playing. the gogo boy who took me home and made me and my friend blueberry pancakes is here. i show him the large rip in my flannel. it's a hole on the sleeve. he grabs it and asks me if i want him to fix it. i say yea, and he rips the whole sleeve off like pulling a table cloth out from underneath a dinner set. he grabs my other arm and puts my sleeve in his mouth. his teeth are tight on the hem and his eyes are looking up into mine. he chews out a small hole and then with his finger he slides it all the way down the seams length then detaches it at the shoulder. he rolls up whats left of both my sleeves and i flex my biceps. there's a porn projected on the wall behind me. it's a double penetration scene.

give good face

2009-03-10T23:48:00.002-04:00

2009-03-06T23:43:00.003-05:00

2009-02-23T18:45:00.001-05:00

driving me backwards

2009-02-19T23:43:00.006-05:00

i tell my mother i saw a shooting star the other night when i was talking about dad. she said she keeps looking for something like that, but so far it's just loneliness.

i have a bag of rocks with his blood on them in my bedroom and a small fist-sized piece of brake residue the train peeled up from the underbelly of the tracks. the skid to a stop was i don't know how many seconds too late. probably two if not one.

what are the chances
that my mom mite see something tonite...
what are the chances
that we mite both wear all white...
what are the chances i could
piece back the windshield glass
by runnin backwards
and rewinding the world on its axis

dad

2009-02-15T02:00:00.000-05:00

2009-02-05T21:52:00.001-05:00

goodbye horses

2009-02-05T00:48:00.002-05:00

...i see you come i see you go
you say,"all things pass, into the night"...

2009-02-04T14:23:00.010-05:00

i wake up from a dream. u were in it and dancing really badly on stage. i was taking pictures of you. it was a huge camera with a bunch of bulbs and attachments that i didnt know how to operate. they were almost growing out of my head like antlers and the pictures were polaroids. they were shooting out in front of me. i am winona ryder in beetle juice taking pictures of ghosts, except im taking pictures of you. i pick one of them up and it's still white like it hasn't developed. i shake it around and look at it again. it's still white but i realize it's a close up of ure pale skin filling the frame. i wake up hating your body...

i make a pot if coffee. that's what i do. i wake up and i make coffee. i have an appointment at 10. when i get there they give me a number and i have a seat. it's a city hospital so it's all about sitting and waiting. it's my first appointment with a real psychiatrist. so far i've just been shuffled around to different counselors and spending a lot of time in the emergency room.

when the doctor comes to get me i follow her into a room down the hall. how are you doing she says. pretty good i say, and you? fine, she says. just like that. she has her back to me and seems to be having a hard time organizing whatever paper work she has on me.

then finally: wanna tell me why ure here?

i basically need to make sure i'm able to get my medicine without having to take my shoes off and walk thru metal detectors.

no. u wanna tell me why u were referred here by the ER?

she doesn't even look at me. she's flipping thru papers.

i point to them.

i mean, what do my records say?

she looks up at me without lifting her head:

so far? nothing.

she's a major bitch and she has no idea who i am, so i ask if i should start from the beginning...she says yes but she immediately cuts me off...

how old are you?
28
have u seen a psychiatrist before?
no. not really.

now she's scrolling around on her computer. it's an old computer with a black screen and green text.

it says here you tested for cocaine. and opiates.

yea, that was cough syrup my friend gave me when...

ew, u tested for ghonorrea?

no. they told me they lost my results. i called and they said they didn't have my information. then they said they were never sent off.

she takes off her glasses.

u wanna look? and she gestures to the computer screen.

i get up and i see:

Chlamydia trachomatis / neg
Neisseria gonorrhoea / pos

you know, this hospital really oughtta get their shit together? why would they tell me they lost my results one day then tell me i tested positive the next day.

were u treated?
yes!
then that's all that matters.
and ew? you don't tell somebody: ew, u tested positive for ghonorrhea. that's not very professional...

and the whole process goes something like that. i end up getting shuffled around again to some clinic for chemical dependency but she promises i don't have to worry about having my medicine and she writes me a prescription with a refill. when i leave her office she lifts her hand to her forehead and salutes. i say sorry if i'm intense and leave.

i get a text that says: where u at?

i'm supposed to meet this guy from craigslist who tells me my ankles are gonna become real good friends with my ears when he sees me. he lives close to he hospital so i arrange to meet him after my appointment.

he buzzes me in and his apartment door is cracked open. i walk in. he's in bed wearing sweatpants and a tank top, watching some skate board video. it's just shots of guys skate boarding on city property. up and down steps and rails and every once in a while they fall and they play it again in slo motion.

i take off my jeans and my long johns. he pulls his shirt off. he has two wings tattooed on his back. each feather outlined. the whole wingspan that cover his entire torso. he says he's gonna get them filled in one day. i tell him it's probably gonna hurt real bad. he kisses me. his mouth is really wet. his tongue is cold.

he slips his sweat pants off and he has a huge erection. i tell him he has to go real slow and he says don't worry, i will.

i push his head down and he puts my whole dick in his mouth. all the way to the back of his throat and he keeps it there barely moving his head up and down. i can hear him trying to swallow it then he lifts his head back up like he's been underwater and i push him on his back and sit on top of him.

"goodbye horses" is playing on the skateboard video while some kid smacks his face into the pavement.

when i get home my brother's wife calls me.

she says:

ure dad died in an accident today. he was hit by a train.

2009-01-31T22:22:00.008-05:00

i have a beard now
it says:
i will stop feeling bad when people like me more than i like them...

and if i had a beard of bees
that would say:

when u walk past i will be careful not to turn my head too fast.

i will move my whole body instead...

2009-01-27T15:17:00.001-05:00

Yeats' observation: "The best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity."

2009-01-23T21:57:00.002-05:00

i have a feeling we would be bffs...
im totally into downers and i dont knit but i do crochet. i mean, i'd like to learn...

there were rumors...

2009-01-23T00:36:00.009-05:00

pee. ess. this place is bumming me out! i'm working on getting it together.

sally mann

2009-01-22T13:42:00.005-05:00

this is one of my favorite fotos...
it's about being proud. i think.

wanna chase u round the table / wanna touch ure head...

2009-01-19T19:10:00.007-05:00

and my wigs on crooked...

2009-01-17T03:06:00.009-05:00

i'm makin my way thru all the bad publicity but still have nightmares about hearts on hands...

(this is the last relevant thing courtney love has done to date and it's pretty amazing)

2009-01-16T14:35:00.012-05:00

my mothers babies all had soft spots that i was warned against ever touching as a child. i had eager fingers and a strange complusivity my whole life. i suppose that's why i moved to new york in the first place. having never even been i bought a plane ticket and boarded on the fifth of july with a backpack and twenty valium hidden in a box of juju bees.

in the winter my mother would send me out to warm the car so my younger brothers wouldn't be too cold. she'd give me the keys and i'd sit in the drivers seat tuning into hip hop on the fm radio that i wasn't supposed to be listening to. i was ten. i had three slits shaved into my right eyebrow. i could read silence of the lambs secretly while the windows were still frosted over, because everybody was talking about eating people then. jeffery daumer was in the news. i was in my own igloo and i was safe. the exhaust from the old muffler billowing all around me. i was in the clouds.

on the plane ride i watched the tiny homes get tinier and tinier but not as tiny as i had seen them before. i shared a bunk bed with my brother until i went off to college. many nights in high school i would come home drunk and self suck on the top bunk never caring if he was asleep or not. i picture myself a monster now up there, him below hearing the sounds of a person straining under the weight of their own body. when we were little he would pop his head up from below and we'd scare ourselves by putting our faces in front of one anothers, cos in the dark they'd just be a horrible mess of teeth and lips...our real features never coming into focus. i wonder what he might have seen then. with my legs over my head. my spine poking out like arrows.

i was supposed to go to the gym today, now that i'm older and obsessed with having a perfect body. something i could take pictures of. something else i could prove i could do to myself. but some how it's the coldest day of the year. i stay in, away from the cold, and do yoga inside my room. my legs hips width apart, my chin dropped down and reaching for the ground.

i rest my palms on the floor, spine always reaching, and wonder where my brothers are now...

"for arthouse superstar, think jumbo shrimp" - tilda swinton

2009-01-16T12:40:00.005-05:00

Longlivemess.
Longlivepassion.
Longlivecompany.

my god, what would the community think?

2009-01-13T21:36:00.020-05:00

when he gets to my place i ask him if he'd like to grab a drink even though he's just here for sex. he says sure. i think he's real cute and i tell him he has a nice butt. at the bar down the street we end up ordering some food. i get the blt. we talk and put our hands on each other's thighs. i think i mite be in love with him already. we go to my place and fuck. he's huge and we have a hard time getting it in. u control it he says and i try to sit on it. it doesnt work. one more position he says, refusing to give up. i get on all fours and as soon as he stuffs it inside i cum. he jerks off on my stomach and we kiss. somehow he finds out who my ex is. was. it's cos he saw him after me. it's ok i say. every one has. u tried to kill ureself, rite? he asks me. i tell him that yes, i had a life changing experience. he says it's all too creepy and leaves.

for the time being i have to get my prescriptions refilled in the psych ward emergency room. it's not far from my apartment. i can bike there. i have to take off my shoes. empty my pockets. go thru a metal detector. they give me a new pair of socks and i sign a piece of paper that gives them permission to keep me in lock down should they see fit. i have a seat next to the other patients. there are two older patients in there already. they are both black and bickering with each other. an overweight woman with unpicked hair and a man with wild eyes and no teeth.

u do not fuck with me motherfucker! the last person who fucked with me left in a body bag. i do not wanna go back to the penitentiary and do another 8 years!

who do u think you're talking to woman!?
and he gets up and walks back and forth like he needs to calm down or somethings gonna happen. the security guard tells them to shut up.

a girl my age comes in the door. they ask her to take off her jewelry and she loses it. she says it's not gonna go down like that. its not gonna go down like that! this is not my status, yo! i came here because i needed to refill my medicine. i have not been to sleep in three days and this is buggin me out. this is buggin me out, yo!

the older couple are getting worked up and are trying to console her, but it's just making her more hysterical. i motion for her to come sit next to me. as if in a trance she does. she's a pretty girl. i got a baby, man, she tells me. at home and i gotta get outta here...

it's ok. im just here to get my refills too. just take off your gold. or they're gonna keep you.

she bows her head and slips off her chain...

this aint my status...

the next nite a guy comes over who i've been talking to on line. he has a boyfriend upstate so he's been changing his mind at the last minute every time we arrange to meet up. i think he just likes to jerk off to my pictures. i tell him he should stop emailing me then. he finally comes over. i push him onto my bed and lift up his shirt. im doggy style rocking back and forth on his cock. he comes three times, changing the condom each time. the third time i cum. he's a carpenter, or a furniture designer or an artist. he makes desks and chairs and stuff. he has saw dust on his clothes. i think im in love again. i tell him it's too bad he has a boyfriend. he tells me not to worry. that i'd find a great guy. just make sure it's on the other side of flushing, he says. i ask him why and he tells me his ex lives rite around the corner from me and he's crazy. i ask him his name. it's the same guy that was over the night before. we both can't believe how small this town is and pretend like we have nothing to do with it. he says he cant spend the nite cos he'd feel too guilty so we stay up til six in the morning holding each other and talking about boys in brooklyn. i'm still in love.

i remember once when i was very young i pretended to be asleep so my pa would have to pick me up and carry me to bed. he was a simple man who wore the same pair of overalls every day and kept his fingernails long so he could scrape out his tobacco pipes with them. he cooked eggs in bacon fat. he'd die from cancer. i pretended to be asleep the whole time. even after he layed me down and left the room.

my friend sets me up on a blind date. she says she has a good feeling about this. that we are both trying to get sober. i bike over to broadway under the JMZ and we have dinner. an old manager of mine is working there now. at the restaurant. we awkwardly give each other a hug but immediately lighten up. he used to give me bumps in the bathroom at work. two at a time cos "a bird can't fly with just one wing." i meet the kid. he has a misshapes haircut. i tell him that. i prefer ramones haircut but yes, ure right, he says. he just got back from rehab. coke and heroin. we talk about drugs and i order the panini. we get two free desserts from my old boss. i go back to the kids place. u can come up and watch 30 rock but the teevee is in my room and that seems kinda tacky, he says. i don't care, i tell him and soon im fucking him with a condom on. i lube his asshole then he puts some on his finger and lubes his insides real good. he comes before i do but lets me finish inside him any way. he gives me a pair of gloves for my bike ride home cos i somehow lost mine. on my way back home i see my old pair laying in the middle of the street. i text him: ha, i found my gloves! he never responds...

in the psych ward emergency room i'm getting a little nervous so i look in the two way mirror at my reflection and straighten the part in my hair. i pull a dead piece of skin off my lip. i sit up straight, uncross my legs and uncurl my toes and hope that they let me go home. i have a date tonite with a sixteen year old. he likes george michael and we are gonna go see mickey rourke in the wrestler...

big hard sun

2009-01-07T22:55:00.002-05:00

it may, after all, be the bad habit of creative talents to invest themselves in pathological extremes that yield remarkable insights but no durable way of life for those who cannot translate their psychic wounds into significant art or thought.
THEODORE ROSZAK, "In search Of The Miraculous"

im reading into the wild. alexander supertramp, you dummfuck...
im on the verge of a religious experience.

GLORY HOLES

2009-01-06T19:34:00.005-05:00

here it is
i was told i shouldnt post it yet, but whatever. i made it for you.

the worm

2009-01-06T13:17:00.000-05:00

watch all of austinyoungforever on youtube!!!!! so funny!

2009-01-04T02:16:00.003-05:00

2009-01-03T23:40:00.000-05:00

some camera fone evidence

2009-01-01T13:19:00.004-05:00

post new years still life with vitamin water, club soda, nemo's bodega carrot cake, mango haagen-daaz, lexapro and blackberry.

one of those vitamin water bottles is filled with hydrocodone cough syrup...can u guess which one?

my friends tell me they arent gonna be going to sugarland cos it's too cold to leave the city. it isnt that cold. and they're at urge!? it definately isnt THAT cold. i'm just gonna stay here. i work here. it's free drinks. i like the people i work with. it's pretty straight, but at least they're usually kinda hot and young. i'm gonna take a shot of jager. it's eleven and i haven't had any thing to drink yet. kinda feel a little poopy. it's cos my bed is right underneath my window and it's drafty. i'm so glad i moved my bed to the middle of the room tonite. it's like an island now in the middle of my room. oh cool...this is ure "gay friend". hi "gay friend" what's ure name? oh nice, ure from portland? yea i tried to move there once. but it was just a bunch of barefoot drug addicts so after the second day i was there we drove down highway 1 on the 4th of july to san francisco in a vee debbayou bug with a bottle of apple wine and fireworks exploding along the coast. EUREEKA!!! yea, it was kinda crazy, but when i got to san francisco it was gross too! so i called my mom and asked her to buy me a ticket back to new york and i'm never. leaving. here. again! i live in bushwick. i'm gonna get another shot, hold on...

ok. anywaaaayz...haha, ok. yea, i like to play that game too. there's usually a couple around. oh, what about that dude over there in the shiny, gold jacket? what is that, gold lame? u think he is? i think so. uh-oh. he's coming this way. am i sucking him into my gay vortex? i think i am.

"hi"
"hi"

yea, i work here. i worked tonite so i'm just gonna stick around til midnite. ure kinda cute. yea. sure. jameson or jager. i like jager. ok, cool...

no i'm off the seventh stop. jefferson. you too? that's so weird. oh man, i think it's almost midnite...
9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1 !

happy new year!

i think he's gonna kiss me. he's kissing me. he's scruffy. kind of cute for real. maybe a little soft around the belly. whatever.

hey "gay friend from portland", wanna go to sugarland? yea? ok. let me put on my jacket.

it's lamb skin. i'm wearing tight black jeans tucked into untied black doc martins, a fitted white button up, black suspenders and a black bow tie. i look amazing...i wanna fuck myself. really i want you to fuck me. but ure sort of an ass. i mean, yea.

so we're walkin, we're walkin. he's kinda boring. and way short. geesh how short is this guy? like a little person almost. ure how old? 38? you look so young. it's this way. yea, not much else on the block. it doesn't sound like anybody's in here. i'll pay the door. ok, cool. u get my drink. whiskey and ginger. oh gosh. this is awful...yea there's usually cute people here at least. ew. that manager guy is walking around without his shirt on. he's so gross.

i touch "gay friends" head. i dont know why. his hair, i mean. i like run my fingers thru it. he seems kind of sad.

"look. i'm gonna be upfront with you. ure not my type."

woa. that was weird.

"um, that's cool. i flirt with every one. ure not really my type either."

"that's right. you like moustaches, right?"

haha. this guy is a creep.

"i'm gonna do a walk thru"

"ok, good luck"

i'm just gonna walk to metro by myself. whatever. he'll figure it out. it is NOT that cold. why is every one saying it's so cold. it's totally been colder. maybe i'm wasted. am i wasted? look at all these people out on the streets. is it weird that i'm alone? it doesn't feel weird. why don't i have a closer group of friends? i dont really feel that close to any of my friends. i can't think of a single one i'd really wanna see right now. am i a bitch? maybe i'm like a sociopath or something. but even when i was little i'd only have like one friend. i guess that's what i do now. but i like have sex with that one friend now. and call him my boyfriend. well, when i have one. i don't want one now. unless they were really nice to me. that's the thing. u can tell me you love me, but if you're not nice to me then it doesn't matter. i mean, u can kick my ass in bed...woa, i'm here already. i'm like chatty cathy all the sudden. oh shit! it's ladies nite. i totally forgot. no cute barback! it's those busted lesbians. ladies nite used to be fun though. all the cute gay guys who didn't wanna be cruised came on ladies nite thinkin it would be on the dl and they wouldnt be bothered, but that's what every body did so it was always super cruisy.

but this just sux. i dont even think im gonna get a drink. im totally going back to my work...what about this car here...hey! can you take me just like two blocks that way? yea? thank you so much! yea. it's great so far. i think it's gonna be a good year. i dunno. i can just tell. here's fine. thank you!

oh man. it is so crowded. yikes. i'm just gonna stay behind the bar. and smoke cigarettes with my coworkers in the kitchen. it's so exclusive back here. yea, totally. every one sux out there. yea, man. i know what you mean. aw i love you too. no, really. i really like working with you. thanks, dude! wanna do a shot? sure. ok, jager. uh-oh. they're playing my song. should i get on top of the bar? yea? ok. but you said so.

oh my god, im on top of the bar. oh my god, people are taking pictures of me. everyone's pulling out their digis. this is pretty hot. i'm glad i'm not gross, falling down drunk. in fact, i'm gonna sit down. in the middle of the bar. that should be cool, right?

oh thanks! ure so cute too. yea, let me see. oh that picture is totally cute. i have to get that. yea i'm on facebook. ok, cool. yea, but i think i'm gonna leave soon.

i like really want some pizza. im gonna go. let me just put on my jacket. happy new year. i love you too! bye!

gosh, it for real is not that cold out here. why is everybody freaking out about the weather? it has totally been colder. hm, i don't think that bar tender really wanted me on top of the bar. but every one was so into it. am i gonna regret this in the morning? is this my cross to bear? this always happens. this specifically: me getting on top of the bar and regretting it in the morning. but i really feel like i was kinda sexy. i mean, i know i was. i saw the pictures. the dj was playing every single song i requested on the spot. he said i was the life of the party. i mean he like literally picked up the record needle when i asked him to play that hole song. whatever. woa, the pizza place is closing. oh no. hi can i get a cheese? it's the last slice. it's the last fucking slice in the whole place! i just got the last slice of the year! wait, no i didn't. it's 5 in the morning. i just got like the last slice of the FIRST slice of the REST of the year. or something.

and it's pretty good too.

happy new year

2008-12-31T17:11:00.000-05:00

pretty good year

2008-12-30T14:34:00.003-05:00

tori was always rollin up into some kinda box. and i totally forgot about the synchronized dancing. holler back at ure gurrl!

2008-12-30T11:24:00.004-05:00

i look over the downtown performance artists with grace and patience. much like mary swaddling the baby jesus...

this pic has been tagged a million times but my name is never included!

it became a sort of tradition to lay out on the side walk towards the end of john's mattachine party. very much in the vain of the shortbus poster, or the intro credits of "friends"...
i only remember tryin to scrape these kids off the floor so they'd come back in and do a shot with me before the bar closed. that's the look in my eye.

2008-12-24T21:24:00.010-05:00

the boys at the bar are boring. i tell the bar back ive been trying to fuck him for years. i dont know why, cos it's not true. he tells me i say that to all the guys. he says last time i was there i took my clothes off. i dont remember this, but im not surprised. he means i pulled my shirt up and my pants down and somebody took my picture. he said you could almost see my dick. he's saying this like it's shocking. like i should be shocked. i dont have much of a reaction. but you have a great body, so it's ok, he says. so should i get your number or what i ask. when i walk up to the bar later you're standing there. it probably looks like i was trying to be with you. i started small talk because i didnt see why not. then you say we cant do this. talk i guess. i grab this guy who i had been smoking cigarettes with out back and walk out the door. i get a text that says "ure so gross".
when i get home with the guy i take two beers from the fridge and we go back to my room. i jump around to music from my laptop, screaming lyrics and chain smoking his cigarettes and ashing all over the floor. at some point we make out. he has a hardon. i dont. it's from my medication. im sorry, i say. he says its ok. i want it to be over with. i fake it and tell him to shoot on my chest. i hope that's enough to turn him on. me asking him to shoot his load on me. im hoping its enough for him to just cum already and get it over with. it takes him forever and im moaning underneath him grabbing his ass. afterwards he rolls over and falls asleep right away. he starts to snore. i hit him with my elbow. i punch him in the stomach.

2008-12-23T17:16:00.002-05:00

i want a perfect body. i want a perfect hairdo.

2008-12-23T12:16:00.000-05:00

quote of the week:

"come over .... and i fuck you in my basement."

fix

2008-12-21T21:22:00.003-05:00

an idea for my next video (glory holes is being color corrected as we speak and sent to a couple festivals to see what happens and then uploaded for you to see in the next couple of months or sooner)

idea number 1:
called FIX. a young gay couple rents a car from the city and drives upstate to go to some kind of party at a friends cabin... on the drive back they get into a car accident as they try to dodge a rabbit darting across the street on a poorly lit country road. the one in the passenger seat gets injured. quick cut to the driver placing large and small shaped stones on top of the injured boys body as he is sleeping...and he begins to perform reiki and/or some kind of healing chant/hum. before the injured boy wakes up all evidence that his aparently guilt-ridden boyfriend is performing late night seances is hidden. the injured boy wakes up and talks about how he feels really good and we see he has trouble walking as he gets out of bed and exits. this scene replays itself over a couple of times with slightly different results to show this is something that the boy behind the steering wheel has committed to doing.

the injured kid goes to an aquatic physical therapy program. images of broken people doing exercises in a pool. the boy has some kind of unspoken relationship with another much older patient...who he ends up finding dead in the locker room. he tells his boyfriend the story that night as they're sitting in front of the teevee, as he's obviously moved by it, but the other boy is distracted by a wasp that has somehow gotten inside and is buzzing around their heads. he rips off his shirt and snaps it at the wasp but accidentally knocks a porcelain table lamp over, causing it to come crashing to the ground. the injured boy says something about how he breaks every thing...

that night the boy that was driving the car doesn't perform any thing on the sleeping boy. instead he meticulously glues the lamp back together. when it's finished he steps back to look at his accomplishment, feeling pretty good about it. feeling good that this was actually something he could fix and have control of.

he crawls back in bed. the injured boy gets up shortly after and stumbles thru the dark into the other room. he pulls the lamp's chain and lights up the room as if a miracle. he has a gentle, knowing expression - although still sleepy. like a dream the wasp crawls out from under the lampshade and hovers in front of the boys face. the boy reaches out in one confident and surprisingly steady movement and calmly grabs the wasp in mid air...

whatd'ya think...?

these are a few of my favorite things...

2008-12-19T23:27:00.003-05:00

and then i dont feeeeeeel....soooooo baaaaaad!

o'lord, here i go!!!!!!

2008-12-18T22:52:00.014-05:00

"If you on the dl or strait looking to chill with a laid back dude. Im not a thug and mos def not a sissy just a regular sexy dude tryna chill...

2008-12-17T18:03:00.008-05:00

holla at me and see wat pops off ...if we dont feel each other we can keep it moving ..feel me"
(i found that quote from m4m, which i'm c0mpletely addicted to reading)

whatever.
i go to the gym. elliptical for 30 minutes. i like to turn it up to a really high level to compensate for the fact that i hatehatehate the more efficient, yet nausea inducing tread mill. if i keep a steady pace i can burn 600 calories. then i do some ab exercises. that thing where u lift your legs up in the air, and a couple others. then some arm, chest and shoulder machines. i usually drink an isopure too. 40g of protein. you can actually see the strands forming life inside the clear bottle. lately this really cute guy has been coming in and using that weird step machine that's right in front of me when im on the elliptical. the one that makes you move your legs like an ostrich. he has a really cute butt...

went to a xmas party last nite. didnt drink too much. had fun though. this straight, really hot danish guy pulled up his shirt and asked me what i thought. this was after i told him maybe he could be a prostitute. he's looking for work. thought i'd help. it snowed all nite. huge beautiful flakes that looked like feathers falling from the sky. got a ride in a mazda to the train and had that guy that works for green peace come over. two words, three syllables: uncut cock. my thoughts would normally follow, but i dont really give a shit. and neither should you.

nam-myoho-renge-kyo

when i do yoga now i can rest my head between my knees...
i'm slowly becoming the person i always wanted to be.

2008-12-10T11:09:00.001-05:00

CANDLELIGHT VIGIL FOR A BUSHWICK HATE CRIME
Sunday, December 14th

Dear Everyone,

Early Sunday morning 2 brothers from Ecuador were walking to their homes in Bushwick arm in arm. They were attacked by 3 men who shouted anti-gay and anti-Hispanic insults as they beat the brothers with an aluminum baseball bat and a broken bottle. Jose Sucuzhanay died Tuesday morning from extensive brain damage and skull fractures. He co-owned a real estate business in Bushwick.

A vigil has been organized by a Bushwick community member, Meg Hitchcock. Note, this event is not organized by Arts In Bushwick, but we will be there and we hope you'll come show your support in protesting this horrible attack on a member of our community.

Sunday, December 14th

Meet in front of The Archive café at 49 Bogart Street (at Seigel and Bogart) at 7pm.

We will walk to the scene of the crime at Bushwick Ave. and Kossuth Place and have a few moments of silence at 8pm.

Please bring extra candles. And, spread the word!

2008-12-09T00:53:00.001-05:00

let me ride. just let me ride. let me ride on his grace for a while...

2008-12-02T23:29:00.001-05:00

found image

my process

2008-12-02T23:16:00.004-05:00

i for real started editing
have a really cool guy helping me out
i bought a 600 dollar leather jacket the other day
lamb-skin. tight and sexy.
my antidepressants are making me horny
i saw where u scratched out my name
and wrote: i NEVER loved you
i have a picture of it on my blackberry
i've decided to be single forever
and that is amazing

2008-11-25T09:56:00.009-05:00

when bugs bunny flips his upper lip over his two front teeth and tucks his ears under a shriner's hat he looks JUST. like. a monkey!

i think people who write do something very similar. most creative people actually. unless it's like fashion or something faggy like that...

so don't send me a text that says u just read my blog and wished that i had a little more respect for myself, or that you wished i loved myself OR that i'm really great "deep down"...!!!

got it!?

consider this fiction, fucker

2008-11-20T21:31:00.004-05:00

i had him come over because in his picture he had a moustache. it was a photograph he took of himself standing on the williamsburg bridge wearing a yankees cap, sun in his eyes with headphones on. when he showed up he was bigger than i thought. like fat. like when he layed down on my bed his shirt pulled up over his belly. he was from olympia. he was drunk and smelled like whiskey. i was sober and crazy. this was a couple days after i tried to kill myself. although i think i just wanted to sleep for a long time. the nurse kept telling me: you still smell like liquor. and a couple doctors would come by and wake me up to ask me what happened. i said i just did something stupid. the charcoal they gave me to drink wasn't dramatic enough. i wanted to have my stomach pumped. i wanted to choke and puke and feel the liquid behind my eyes. this was just dumb. and i was hungry. if i really wanted to die i wouldn't be hungry i kept telling myself.

he's sitting on my bed and i tell him he can spend the night if he wants. that i only want companionship anyway. i take one of the pills they gave me in the hospital to help me sleep. i take two. he puts his arm around me and when i wake up he's putting on his shoes. i tell him have a good day and i go back to sleep. the next day i find a guy online who said he likes to fuck bottoms flat on their stomachs. his cock pic is really hot and so is his face pic. he says he can be at my place in 30 minutes. it's raining. i run out to get an enema. i dont know why, but i want it to be perfect. i'm sober and crazy. the dominican grocery store doesnt seem to have any and when i ask the cashier she doesnt understand what im asking for so i keep walking. i go to the pharmacy several blocks away. they're closed and im getting wet from the rain. i go back home and he shows up. he doesn't look anything at all like his picture. he keeps his head to the ground as i let him into the building, down the hall into my apartment and back to my bedroom. he's short and jewish with a pointy face. i want to tell him to leave but i dont. he pulls my pants down, nervously and starts rubbing our dicks together. he's on top. he starts to rub his stomach against my dick. it's pale and pasty and hairless. he just keeps rocking back and forth, not saying anything. i push him off and tell him: i can't do this. and i laugh. he leaves.

the next guy i have come over says he's ready to put my ass to work. he says let's just fuck in his email. he's black and has cornrows. i expect his dick to be huge but it's not. he lays me down on my back and lifts my ass up to his face for a few minutes. he starts to fuck me and keeps leaning down to kiss me but i bury my face in the sheets. i feel his dick come out and i reach behind me to see if the condom is still on, but he's soft. i feel bad, like it was my fault, but he says it's because he came and i tell him to put his fingers inside me while i jerk off. afterwards he starts talking to me like he's some kind of surfer dude. like he's trying to be white or some bad impersonation of me. he says he feels something between us and i tell him: yea, let's keep in touch. he emails me later: "genuine was the word i was trying to think of when describing you..." i didn't write back.

found image

2008-11-19T12:35:00.000-05:00

kid devastated

2008-11-19T10:53:00.003-05:00

i've felt like that kid ;( WAHwah

the death of ferdinand de saussure

2008-11-11T13:54:00.006-05:00

after i left you i started listening to this song over and over and over bc i had never related to any lyrics any where else as much as these...right down to the bit about orchids.
this afternoon i decided i'd cut and paste the lyrics to share with you - then i discovered this video. now i am freaking out!!!!!!!!

the crying, the camera, the "im not a violent man", the side sweep... the moustache!

I met Ferdinand de Saussure
On a night like this
On love he said
I'm not so sure
I even know what it is
No understanding
No closure
It is a nemesis
You can't use a bulldozer
To study orchids

He said...
So we don't know anything
You don't know anything
I don't know anything
about love
But we are nothing
You are nothing
I am nothing
Without love

I'm just a great composer
And not a violent man
But I lost my composure
And I shot Ferdinand
Crying;it's well and kosher
to say you don't understand
but this is for Holland-Dozier-Holland;

His last words were
We don't know anything [etc]

His fading words were
We don't know anything [etc]

lyrics by stephin merritt

2008-11-11T01:15:00.002-05:00

2008-11-10T18:04:00.002-05:00

um, i'm gonna change the name of this blog to:

Blogging. On Seroquel

2008-11-09T22:43:00.005-05:00

i read that piece about u fuckin me like i had a pussy in front of an audience the other day
and right before the part where i say "owowowow" i sucked air between my teeth

and closed my eyes...

cellophane will sound just like sheets of rain
if u were to wrap somebody up in plastic

thick as wax and a hole punched mouth
with pvc for breathing

this is not what im trying to say
i do not know what im trying to say

faceless

2008-11-02T19:20:00.000-05:00

2008-10-31T19:07:00.001-04:00

happy halloween! xo, NYL7

rock the vote

2008-10-31T00:40:00.004-04:00

old snippets

2008-10-30T02:39:00.008-04:00

this unedited text is dated 12/05/2002

i wore filas and an overstuffed starter jacket with a large emblem of a pirate with a patch over one of its eyes sewn on the back. me and the kid down the street would spend our time unscrewing tiny chrome caps off the air valves of car tires, and had accumulated a good bit by the end of the winter. one day after emptying our pockets and counting them out in the clean snow he produced a tiny white stick which he snapped and put under my nose, telling me to smell it. he said he stole it from his dad who would sniff them in the garage. it felt like i caught on fire, as if my head were flint striking sandpaper and the chrome caps i had in my palm were involuntarily tossed into the air like shimmering sparks. i ran home shaking wildly trying to extinguish myself...

when i told my mother, she said i wasnt allowed to hang out with the kid down the
street anymore because she used to sniff those things when she was in school to get high. i pictured my mother as a kid with bottle rockets shooting out her ears.

***

i took swimming lessons at the local recreation center. i can remember huddling close to the other kids in the deep end, clutching the cement ledge desperately. our instructor bobbed up out of the water for momentum, took a deep breath, and sank to the bottom. i watched as she grew smaller and smaller until she was nothing more than a tiny blurred smudge of dark hair beneath our feet. i like to imagine her looking up with a suspended sense of time, devoid of sound and pleasantly heavy with the weight of the water.

as she began to float to the top she slowly started to expand in a bizarre manipulation of the body that didnt seem relative to depth or space, and her first breath of chlorine fumes and air seemed monstrous as she shot out of the water - sucking all the white from her eyes.

***

colleen was half japanese and worked for a chiropractor. she was a friend of my mothers but seemed to favor me, and pronounced my name with an exaggerated parisian accent : robear...

she always had a scarcely decorated apartment with walls painted a light gray. her only possessions were two black leather couches, four matching dining room chairs that accompanied a glass table with silver legs, a sleek toshiba television, VCR, and stereo system, as well as a single tall black halogen lamp with a dimmer switch. we would sit on those couches which smelled clean and cold and every second felt like an herb ritts photo shoot, or a gloosy mapplethorpe still-life.

colleen would sit around in her bathrobe filing her french manicure while a marlboro light burned in the ashtray on the floor. occasionally she would take a long contemplative drag and blow circles in the air dismissively. i could practically hear the shutter of a 35 mm. she drank rum and diet coke while we watched sophisticated movies and politely never answered the cordless telephone, screening calls over the answering machine.

if i was lucky i could inhabit this alternate reality for several days on end before my mother came to take me back to the hamburger helper and the screaming babies.

colleen was prone to migraines which often left her bed ridden in a sort of tragic way i found both mysterious and enviable. the last time i heard anything about her she had moved to the upper peninsula and has succumbed to total isolation. i envision her holed up tight with her leather couches, rum and diet cokes and a migraine weighing down on top of her like a beautiful headdress sculpted by brancusci.

2008-10-30T01:16:00.012-04:00

eventhough this is like over ten days old and there are probably five million gay blogs already dedicated to this exact moment and i've already posted the audio - i am completely obsessed with listening to this every single day (two three times in a row) and thought you might also appreciate a little visual aid...

i've got hundreds of these.

2008-10-27T01:56:00.002-04:00

I think you're fucking gross and u should rot in hell u piece of shit. Good luck in life you scum bag. I'm throwing your virgin mary necklace out the fucking window. I never ever want to see you again. Why don't you fucking move out of town. You're getting nowhere here u asshole.

2008-10-24T10:27:00.005-04:00

he fucked me like i had a pussy and would fall asleep with his fingertips pressed against it.

"owowowow"
"im not gonna go inside". he wriggles it in just a little, trying to reassure me. "see? this is where i like it. right when it's pink and warm."

when we broke up for the millionth time he sent me a text that said: "i gave you aids..." i told him i've been having nightmares since we met that he'd kill me one day. usually it was a knife which in my dreams i could bend at will. mid air, slo-mo, right before it came crashing in on my head.

the first nite we met he dragged me home and we did coke until the next morning. every once in a while he'd lick his finger, drag it across a stray bump and shove it up my ass. he'd eat me out then kiss me and everything would go numb. i woke up to him fucking me. it was the first time he was able to keep an erection and he came inside me. so excited to be hard. after that we went to brunch, ate huge greasy cheeseburgers and prayed we weren't monsters. i watched his every move.

he cried alot. mostly because we both came from poor families from the south. both our moms made pasta salad with wishbone italian dressing and ate off paper plates.

"we're the same person" and he'd start to cry.

both our moms laughed at us when we didn't eat porkchops with our hands.

"i think i used to try to have sex with my brother..."

"you just gave me a boner." and he adjusted himself underneath the table.

after we ate we walked up and down bedford, marveling at every single similarity between us.

i'm trying to think of them now:

1. jager
2. jager bombs
3. jameson
4. biscuits and gravy

right now that's all i can remember but at some point there used to be more...

this last time we broke up it started out with oktoberfest beer. liter mugs the size of skulls. i was with some friends who just moved here from portland and we were accidentally punching ourselves in the face every time we lifted them to our mouths. the next morning lauren had a bruise under her eyes where the heavy rim pressed against it.

he came and met us. i end up at his place. just me and him. he calls for drugs. he always did after he'd been drinking. i'm in bed hoping everything will go away. it's on the desk. not even broken up. i'm too drunk to get it in my nose without it falling right back out so i eat huge chunks and lay back down. he's moving around. getting jealous about some nude pictures i drew of my ex.

"they're fucking contour drawings. they're faceless..." i say almost into the pillow.
"they're of your ex!" i hear him going thru my text messages on my phone. he finds one between me and another guy. he pulls me up by the shoulders and tells me to leave. i beg him to let me stay. he pulls me by the ankles and pushes me right out the door.

he texts me a couple days later:

im lost witout u. I just saw what I
wrote n the wall. Meet me at mt
place?

he's talking about the time he carved my name and how i was the love of his life right above the urinal at the neighborhood gay bar.

i ignore it. i'm in the city with friends. the same girl with the bruise on her face. max fish is crowded with douche bags. we go somewhere else. my friend finds a skeleton and sits it upright next to me. it's real. real bones from a real dead person. i keep putting my hands up underneath the ribs right thru where the belly'd be. i put my arm around it and we hang out for the rest of the night. when we leave i break off its arms at the elbows and shove them in my friends purse. i woke up with them next to me on the bed. i'm reminded of mice bones in owl pellets. im reminded of what it feels like when you lose somebody and all the things they leave you with.

i just tied his knife into a knot midair in my dreams...

antony

2008-10-23T14:30:00.001-04:00

crazy in love

2008-10-23T12:23:00.006-04:00

i have to show you this.

because i'm noticing more and more of this type of self hatred from younger gay men but i guess it's universal and has probably been the rite of passage since the dawn of time. the difference now is that i can youtube it. or maybe there has been yet another shift within the community?

these young gay men are desperately trying to differentiate themselves from what they think society thinks gay men represent. it's not only presumptuos but it's self defeating and perpetuates homophobia from within.

whether or not you passively or aggressively disagree with so-called "gay cliches" such as : bleached blonde hair, public displays of affection, online or not, or dancing shirtless in a club - you are being homophobic. and by making it a point to represent yourself as somebody who does not consider themselves to be aligned with those so-called "gay cliches" or "stereotypes" you are in fact criticizing them and helping maintain the long held belief that those aforementioned stereotypes are somehow wrong or of lesser worth.

i'm also of the persuasion that "gay cliches" are cliche, matthew hunt. but not as cliche as a really effeminate gay man with facial hair. and when you get a little older you are gonna see how rad being gay is and that it is our responsibilty to embrace and love all our gay brothers no matter how "faggy" they may be because others might not. where were you?!

2008-10-22T12:39:00.002-04:00

gonna start editing glory holes...now! i might upload a few clips very very soon so u guys could see what i've been up to. look out for them...

michael getting dressed

2008-10-14T13:07:00.002-04:00

2008-10-11T18:56:00.003-04:00

this is one of my favorites scenes ever and an inspiration for glory holes...

2008-10-10T21:25:00.002-04:00

he's bipolar. split rite down the middle. one eye smaller than the other. the right ear lower than the left. when i first noticed it we were having dinner at a restaurant and he said: should i go in the back and see if they have a mop and bucket so i could be JUST like the toxic avenger?!

a text from him sent to me this morning: i just got the orchid and sobbed like the baby I am. My sister just moved into her trailer...

i have a rubber band bracelet he thinks is from another guy. i refuse to take it off. i cant see him anymore. because i want to kill him.

upon trying to submit some images to a zine about urine

2008-10-08T14:18:00.008-04:00

NYL7:

to whom it concerns,

my name is robert smith

i am a young queer artist in brooklyn and am interested in submitting some images for your zine.

i've attached a foto - rather literal

and if you check out:

newyorksquared.blogspot.com
i've recently posted a series of fotos that are reminiscent...i could send you those as original files as well.

thanks in advance - i hope you're able to use me...

rs

PISSMAG:

Hi romert we looking all time for submission's in piss u section
if you have or make photo's send me

NYL7 (not quite sure what to make of that email, hmm..) :

this mite make it easier...these are from a larger series...i'll keep you posted.

rs

(at this point i attached some of the pics i posted on my blog a few days ago cos some of them remind me of drinkin pee - me thinks!)

PISSMAG:

we publish only unpublished materials and big quality

NYL7:

oh. although these are unpublished i spose my work is probably too lo-fi for ure zine. thank you nonetheless...

im not familiar with "big quality"

2008-10-01T10:16:00.004-04:00

2008-09-25T17:41:00.003-04:00

we went bowling. we drank lots. i said i wanna go there. it was a picture behind your head. a lighthouse on a rocky beach. you said u'll cross stitch it for me and i thought that was the kindest thing i'd ever heard.

u have a boney bump on ure right shoulder and a tattoo of a full mast on ure neck. tiny hands you always deny...

they sink ships in the pacific to grow coral reef
and soak the chickens in buttermilk

diamonds on your fingers. every type of cut.

2008-09-22T21:57:00.002-04:00

btw the date for my party has been rescheduled due to inclement weather. the end of the world will now take place on october 3rd. that is a friday. be there.

2008-09-10T15:59:00.008-04:00

i realize i like to mention my ass in almost every post...i'm not sure why, but i have to tell ya - i had a colonic irrigation the other day. for the first time. i woke up super early and took the L train into the city, transfered to the B and rode it all the way to Avenue P back in south brooklyn. i bet you didnt know there was an avenue P, did u?

when i got there the specialist (i'm not sure what title to use) did a quick run thru of the entrance checklist under her breath, not really asking me for any information so much as just goin. thru. the. motions...

"no vaginal bleeding. no prescription medication..."

"um. uh, actually..."

"no hernia. no worms..."

"worms?"

"no blah blah blah blah important bit of info blah blah..."

a sign on the wall read: victorious through jesus

i was finally getting a little nervous. aint nothin like mentioning christ to make a body nervous.

the specialist was really nice though. once we got started and completed all the mumbo jumbo paper work (who needs it! This is "alternative" healing after all) she smeared a chunk of lube over me bum and slowly started to insert the nozzle...

"ok baby. next time i'm gonna use a pediatric cos you're really tight."

she had no idea how much of a compliment that was, did she? she also didn't know i was gonna send out a mass text to brag about my innocent and child-like hole as soon as i left her office.

i could tell she had a serious agenda against constipation, and i couldnt help but fantasize about the obvious stuff, like: what kind of person gets in this line of work? how does she think my butt compares to other butts? i wonder if she gets any other skinny white kids up in here. i bet mostly black people come here. black people are really into alternative healing. i know cos i used to work at a health food store and i had ALOT of regular black customers. i was like their primary health care provider. i didnt really know much about herbs or homeopathy but i had a little handbook i'd consult and we'd just kinda wing it. i feel like she's kinda wingin' it right now. she's answering her cell phone!? but there's a tube up my butt! she's leaving! she's talking to her next patient. why don't she get a receptionist? this is so weird and a little unprofessional. should i tell her? whatever. etc. etc.

so there's that. also, on the train ride home i passed the newkirk ave stop and i would totally live out there. it's just one stop passed prospect park. it looks like the squid and the whale neighborhood. really cool old huge houses and trees. am i getting old. i'm seeking professional help for my bowel movements and get turned on when i see historical homes with yards?

p.s this is a video of my gurl doin what she do! the receptionist in this clip must be an actress from craigslist, cos she sho nuff wasn't there when i went.

2008-09-06T15:45:00.002-04:00

rainbow conspiracies

2008-08-24T23:51:00.003-04:00

went back to the ER again today. this time i went to St. Vincent's. the emergency room was like an episode of M*A*S*H. it was just a series of beds seperated by thin curtains. which was kind of awesome cos i got to hear everybody's story as i waited for my IV to dry up.

to my right was a 30 year old black woman. she tried to kill herself that morning by taking sleeping pills after staying up for 3 days smoking crack. she has 5 kids that she hasn't seen in 6 years. she tried to kill herself 2 other times. once when she was ten. her boyfriend had recently been arrested and she miscarried around the same time. that was 2 months ago. she tried to kill herself by hanging when that happened. she was really insistent about being fed.

on my other side was a 50 year old man who also was in there for having tried to kill himself with pills because voices in his head kept accusing him of being a homosexual. he was puking just about the whole time i was there. at one point he asked the nurse a series of questions in between heaves.

"are you christian or catholic"
"christian"
"so you believe in Jesus?"
"uh-huh. seventh day adventist."
"seventh day adventures?"
"adventist"
"adventures. Seventh day adventures."
"you got it"

after getting impatient he threatened to sue everybody.

opposite from me was some young guy with a clot in his arm. i heard the nurse give him a shot of dilaudid. he very groggily called what seemed to be random people from his cell phone trying to find somebody who could bring him a cell phone charger. he was gonna be in the hospital for 48 hours while they diluted his blood so he wouldn't have a stroke or a heart attack.

they're still not exactly sure what is wrong with me (other than some kind of viral infection - completely autonomous from my hemorrhoids)...but it ain't AIDS and they gave me a prescription for percocet. score two for me!

2008-08-19T16:33:00.007-04:00

here are some images from the marcel dzama exhibition wherein i did a full body cast for the sculpture piece shown above. remember i posted about it a while back? anyway, the actual show was several months ago, but i just found these images and thought id share them with you now. it was pretty neat. you had to look through a tiny peephole to see the sculpture i modeled for. V magazine did a story about dzama and included a picture of this piece. i told my mother to pick up a copy so she could see it. they dont have V magazine back home. She called me from the Barnes and Noble. She said the man at the customer service desk had never heard of it. i felt like a phony and a fraud. i told her it's a huge fashion magazine. gwynth paltrow is on the cover. it's big and glossy. i swear.